I actually drafted this during Nov ’10. But it was incomplete and so it stayed in my drafts till now that i decided to complete it. =)

Had this privilege to be home to take care of grandma in the past 1.5 months.. She was partial paralyzed from stroke.. this is the second time she has gotten it… Her private doctor did mention of a mortality rate of 70% for people who suffered from stroke the second time.. And i did tremble for some moment after hearing that.. But thank God her condition got stabilized and now in the process of recovery… The recovery process could be of much more pain as it really takes some time for her to ‘re-learn’ how to use back her left limbs.. Can see that she really struggles at time seeing her own left hand couldn’t move.. I really wonder what goes through her mind… Really a pain in the ass seeing her sadness.. On top of all that, the super bitterness of her medication contributes even more to the pains she feel atm..

But having said all of the above, I’ve surely came to realize more of her in this small time period.. I guess I’ve taken for granted her presence all this while… She had taken care of me since i was zero.. A grandma like a mom.. My heart aches thinking about her.. How old she has grown throughout the years.. How I’ve been treating her (really took for granted)… But i guess it’s human nature, to only start realizing and appreciating things when it’s gone or when it’s about to gone.. A well-known lesson but yet we choose to go through the hard way to learn about it! Why does this happen so often? Why are we so blinded by all the things of the world, and miss the very important things that is right before our eyes all the time?

Yeah it is true that we are people growing up, and we have to get our lives going, we have to build our careers and family and etc. Some may already have a family that need to be taken care of.. I don’t mean all these are bad, just trying to say that there are things to be of higher priority, and we do really need to get our priorities right! [that was some of my frustrations in this period.. alot of my aunts and uncles (children of my grandma) are just too busy with their own 'thing'.. I guess I couldn't be judging them as I don't think I'm in a position to, but surely i did a lil at the beginning! their mom being admitted into hospital and all, most of them have to be told to come visit! and i can so tell you that if i had not 'organize' and tell them to come, i really wonder if they'll turn up that many times.. I can't believe how busy they were.. At one point of time, I got sick of needing to let them know when they 'need' to come pay a visit, and I just told them to come at whenever they want to come.. surely enough they came much much lesser, and one kinda did not turn up at all for like 3 weeks.. really no eye see.. i just don't quite understand their busy-ness... did they really got consumed by their work? Or were they just unable to leave the 'invisible prison' they were in...? ] Whatever the cause is, at least I’m now more certain about the things I do… At least I do think it will help to avoid this ‘invisible prison’ that many doesn’t see..

Surely enough i have SO much time with myself and with God in this period.. had a good amount of praying, reading and thinking… One biggest part is on the handling of my emotions.. I have to say that I got more easily frustrated about things, just anything, small thing big thing, in this time period. Didn’t had much appetite as well. Just ate for the sake of filling up the stomach.. Cause when my world seem to be falling apart, I guess all these just come along with it..

All in all, just wanna thank God that he had seen me through all those emotional roller coaster and all those times when I’m down.. Surely enough that the love and grace that He has for me that sustained me and brought me through all of this, and allowed me to grow in Him.. to grow more in love with Him.. Thank You! In this new year, I’m excited to see more of his work to be done in my life.. =)

this post is specially written as a memorial of 3.5 years of studies in Monash University. Just took my final paper exactly 12 hours ago. Now it’s all up to July 15th 2010 for results day! Actual date of results release is 16th July.. But we always get it the evening before. lol. it’s just how it works.. It is one of those things of Monash..

• How do I feel now?

I wanna say the load/burden has been lifted off my shoulders. But somehow I feel something so bigg is just coming.. But yeah for now I really feel that light.. Strictly at this time of moment only… I’ll re-comment 2 months later.. Ohhh and I’m quite sleepy and dead tired, BUT I just wanna spend my time for myself now.. here i am… (this is how u spend ur time by yourself? sadly happily yeah.. haha)

• What can i say of Monash in this 3.5 years i’ve gone through?

Monash Clayton is GOOOOOOD! Best year of my life! (up to this date) That was 2009. I shall concentrate more on Monash Sunway. To be exact it’s only 2.5 years that I’m in this campus. Been seeing it going thru it’s biggest change I can say. Started with sharing space with Sunway College to having it’s own campus, the Monash University Sunway Campus. And it’s still growing! I really wonder how more it will grow.. I guess only time could tell.. Anyways, it feels real good to be studying on a campus itself! Not so much when sharing with some other college. More sense of belonging.. haha..

In all my years here, and all the subjects I did, some lecturers and tutors are very good but only a handful of them. And the rest u know lar. So i would conclude that the quality of education provided is just so so. This is solely based on the majors am doing.. not Monash as a whole. but i guess it’s a guideline? haha..

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Some things that will remember about Monash Uni:

1. Slackness. super slack. never been more slack in my studies ever. but it’s an awesome life of slackness. just not at times of assignments and exams. really gotta work so much more in these times due to so many weeks of slackness.
2. Last minute studies. seriously i’m that good in doing that now, after 3.5 years. not as in good in studies itself, but good in doing/learning in the last minute of it. it’s so bad. yet it’s so satisfying somehow. u may not fully comprehend what i  just said, but it’s alright. nothing too important to note there.
3. Pool games with pool kaki (sadly there wasn’t any game in last sem due to schedule prob.. oh wells)
4. Arriving 15 minutes after class commences. with a 95% confidence interval, two-tail normal distribution, which means in rare cases, i’ll either be on time for class OR super late.
5. Driving to Monash. trying to get free parking. trying to find nearest parking spot so walk less. paying the parking ticket at ticket counter.
6. Getting ID checked. there is a way in no matter u got student id or not. it really doesn’t matter.
7. Paying fees at the financial counter on the LAST day of fees payable before any penalty/fine.
8. Deleting monash emails without reading. just couldn’t be that much bothered about it.
9. My student id somehow had access to most (if not all) places in uni that requires card access! somehow the management messed up a lil there when i once applied for access just to one room. only had it in my this last sem! but had alot of fun with it tho! haha.. how privileged it was..
10. LASTLY (i’m sure this is not the last bits of it) the fun times and funny things and jokes and sarcasm and meals and lepak hours and falling asleep in lectures and walking around campus during night time and so much more.

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• Recap of my studies in this 3.5 years

I’ve been majoring in econometrics and finance. But most subjects are econometrics tho. Cause i dropped finance later in time. why? just not interested in it. To sum it all up, in all these years of uni, I’ve been learning about building models, building more models, building much more models. Then improving on models, different assumptions, different distributions, different formulas, different forecasting method, different statistical tests. hrmmm did i miss out anything? haha…

• Relating what i have studied to what i’m now interested

Can’t see any relevance. Not only no relevance, I’m going against what i’ve studied. haha.. this is so interesting.. Let me explain more.. What i’m actually interested now is the forex market.. i guess u can really say it’s an interest.. not really about making big money out of it… but am really playing on this thin line of worshiping God and worshiping money.. what i’ve studied in 3.5 years tells me that i can understand why is the market trending.. but it tells me that i CAN’T actually know/predict when will the market change trend.. that is what my 3.5 years of Monash told me… now, i believe that the market is actually being controlled.. and I CAN actually know when the trend is changing.. even to the precise points… really finding this very entertaining and mind-blowing.. Can u imagine if the whole market is really being controlled? if u can, can u imagine if u can also find out whenabouts are the trend change and all? how cool is that? Am looking into it now… =)

Be blessed!

Ancora Imparo = Still learning. Always is! Love this motto…

Hey You,

so, how’s life? i also not quite sure how to describe how my life is now… when asked, i’ll just do the normal reply, “am quite alrite”.. but seriously.. with all the things that are happening around me, i really don’t know how to respond to them anymore.. feeling really weak, and powerless.. feel like just to ignore all of the things and get on with my own life.. but yet i couldn’t, i guess they do have tight bonds inside me… and what my life would have been without them.. can’t imagine it.. but yet it’s really hard to face them and to respond to all the things that is happening.. why o Lord that my life has to be this way? why o Lord that i can’t just have a happy family like everyone does.. sure do had some jealousy looking at people with their family… although they may not be happy all the time, if not one or two quarrels, they sure do are together most of the time.. i guess that’s what i’m just asking for… just being able to be together.. just able to live in harmony.. just go through the days together…

some of you might have known about me thoroughly, but i guess most of you have not… so i think i shall be a lil more transparent here.. i might have been a happy go lucky optimistic sarcastic and wonderful outside, but it’s really an irony, coz in the inside, when times alone like this, i’m also just another person with broken heart, all confused, all emotional, someone that just wanna run away, and just leave all the not so happy things behind… but i couldn’t.. and yet i couldn’t do much to repair what is going on… it’s really out of my power to do so.. one thing just come after another… one by one just had to make her heart worried for.. one by one just have to make her unhappy… one by one just contributes to her sickness.. all i could say is that i loved her, but yet i can’t do much to lighten her worries and sickness.. the impact of others is just too great on her.. her is grandma… i guess i could just pray for her, and all things that i’m going through..

sometimes really do feel so broken from all these.. and couldn’t continue this journey anymore… but i know He is watching over all this that is happening.. i know that i could find hope in Him when everything else seems to be hopeless.. and i know that His love for me does lift me up in moments like this… and am grateful and am thankful~

am starting my journey to find my genuine faith in Him (some may have known it as gf).. i don’t know how am going to do this, or how long will i take, but i guess it’s a journey i must walk myself.. only then i could find what i’m looking for ……….. genuine faith!

- though the world seems to forget, we will not forget who You are and what You’ve done for us -

a few songs that used to be my favourites, like into it last time.. just thought to share.. =D still enjoy them!

song 1: Halo by Haley James Scott (Bethany Joy Lenz)

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song 2: Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield

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song 3: Think of you by Lionel Richie (this one quite recent – last year)

Last year was the first Christmas that I’ve actually celebrated.. Celebrated with my family of Christ here.. It’s been quite a Christmas indeed… to understand that there is actually a true meaning to Christmas.. Loved caroling, always thought its just singing Christmas songs, didn’t really know the lyrics before this, only kinda know the melody from neighbours’ carols… Just recently learnt quite some carols, and they actually had meaning of Christmas written all over..

Left 14 days in Melbourne.. What else that I still wanna do here in my last days that yet to be accomplished? hrmm.. been thinking for the past week on this… One of the places I would really love to go is Mt. Oberon.. Been there once… Definitely gonna go again before leaving Aus.. Most beautiful place I’ve been to… Shall wait for a less hot day to make this trip.. Hopefully there will be one.. Hehe… Other than that, don’t seem to have much places that I wanna visit already I guess.. Just spending time with the people here kua..

One of the things that impacted me the most in the past year is ‘love’… People here really opened my eyes to see what love actually is.. And to what extend it can be used.. Or more specificly, I had my definition of love redefined.. And its beautiful… =) somehow the kind of love I felt in the past year was really a special & unique one.. Over the last 10 months here in Australia, most of the time are spent with my friends here, the relationship built was kinda much stronger and more family-like, as we spend quite some time together, doing stuff together, cared for each other more, cooked for each other, concern for each other, etc. Why is this so? Maybe friends are all we have here, when we are overseas.. Maybe its just the situation and environment.. Will look further into this later, but all in all,  its been amazing to just gone through all that I’ve been through in the past year… It could never been a better 2009. =) Hope I could learn and bring back something from all of these…

Last year resolution review:

Hrmm.. how to put it… I kinda failed in some of the “goals” i set last semester.. Specificly these 3…

• To grow more in the relationship with Him. [ I guessed I somehow did? ups and downs, accelerations and pauses, i guessed i camped at a certain point.. rested enough already, shall start climbing again.. =) ]
• To get pumped up with knowledge for FOREX. [ failed ]
• To master guitar playing. (At least 5 full songs) [ kinda got it done ]

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(just my brain wondering during free times)

I think we do learn a lot of things here and there everywhere.. Just that we did not really take to heart about it and practice/put into use/apply what we have learned.. Many things look so common, simple BUT strong concepts that could be picked up in everyday life and applied in almost everything… Eg. don’t be a quitter, don’t do things halfheartedly, persevere till the finish line… etc

Persevering till you reach the finish line, this one kinda came up to me again when I was doing rock climbing last Monday.. Climbed quite a few walls… Some easy ones, some challenging ones.. At some point in time, where I’m like more than half way through, but got quite drained out from trying to cross the diff part, my mind is like pushing myself up, or rather keeping myself from not letting go (or to give up).. At the top of each wall, had a sense of achievement… Great feeling indeed. Will remind myself of these simple things more..

Another thought:

Have you felt like the more you know about something, the less you understand it? Or is it just me? Coz I think I’m going through that stage at times…