Seeing You

Seeing you has always put a smile on my pretty face and make it prettier. It always has and it always will. Love each moment spent with you. Your voice, your laugh, all of you are just so so sooo loveable.

Everytime I see you,

I want to hug you tight. I want to embrace you in my arms. And never let you go. I want to feel the warmth of you. I want to feel your arms around me.

I want to whisper into your ears: You are very beautiful. I miss you dear.

As much as I want to do that, I needed to refrain myself from doing that too. Cause I know not what would that action do to you. Would it hurt you further? Would I make you unhappy?  I don’t think I deserve it.

It is unfair. A girl’s heart is definitely a precious one, that should be truly treasured and to love. Sorry I did not give you enough attention.

Hope you are alright.

老鼠愛大米

Hello

Did I changed? I wonder.. Am I the same self I am a year ago? 2? 5? Or have I changed into another person?

Time flew by so quickly. I felt life has passed me by.

Questions in my head past few weeks..

Am I selfish? I seem to just be doing anything to my own benefit.

Or am I a hoarder? I just seem to want everything. But I guess I can’t have everything. I will tend to focus on one thing and ‘neglect’ the other, although didn’t intend to, but I gotta admit, I did.

Recently heard on a CD, guys tend to focus on the end goal, doesn’t quite bother with the process, what matters is the end goal. Whereas girls’ focus would be the journey to the goal, getting to the goal is important, but the whole journey to the goal is as important. Ahh things made so much more sense now.

Would things be different if I have realised this earlier? Well, it is over now. What should have, what could have, these are the questions when you wish things could be better than what it is now.

i guess we just have to look forward since we can’t turn back time. I have this hopeful wish deep within. Makes me smile each time thinking bout you. Hope you are doing alright.

My girl and our story

Yes I have a girl. And she is mine! and I am hers too! Don’t get it wrong, not a girl baby or something.. lol.. She is my significant half.. a lil background.. First met her was in a youth fellowship bout two years ago.. She was then just back for a short holiday and decided to come along to youth, or maybe her sister dragged her along. My first impression of her was, she is shy! i had that impression cause she seems to be like ‘hiding’ a lil behind her sis, and cause she doesn’t speak much too then. Had always thought she was the younger sister.. Probably from her innocent looks and shyness and somehow look younger la.. heh

anyways, that was first time meeting her then la. din talk much to her too.. probably like small intro.. next seen her was after she graduated and came back for good, which was few months after that.. and to my surprise, she’s attending the same CG as me! i’ve been in the cg for say two years? so was quite surprised when got to see her in cg then. It was the cg she was initially attending before flying off for studies previously..

at the beginning, didn’t really talk to her much too even in cg, but probably get to know more of her when interacting in group and also when time of sharing.. and later on, she somewhat gave me her number when i asked for it (was for some other purpose, not to court her).. but yah later on i guess we manage to message each other a lil, then more, and more… and it is how it all began! our friendship i mean…

cutting the long story short, it’s almost a year now that we got together! wowww time sure flies! but yes we have indeed done much together! spent much time together, knowing each other more, knowing our behaviours, our siao kuans, our sillyness, sharing our love for kids, sharing our love for God, sharing our burdens, our dreams, and each other’s life!

i could say, i found someone who can be as siao as me, someone who can tolerate all my nonsense and still love me, someone who sees all the faulty in me yet accepts me, someone who sees my dreams and encourages me, someone who lifts me up when i’m down, a girl who is bubbly, lovely, cutie pie, good fashion sense, accepts my kind of humor…… someone who i would wanna spend my future with!

Here is Sze Huey aka Esther! love you much!

 

 

 

an update!

hey there whoever that still bother to come around!

been really bad at updating.. i guess more specifically it is a problem of discipline! have been pondering on this issue of self-discipline lately. and it is quite apparent in many areas of my life.. hence, i’ve made a resolution to improve in this. it’s hard, but yea hopefully can come out of this.

so how am i? i am well (not sick). On a more serious note, I guess I was a lil stuck in my career path for a few months.. always been preaching about financial freedom.. maybe got caught in it a little too much. having too high hopes (i guess nothing wrong with having high hopes).. having too big of a dream (nothing wrong with having too big of a dream too!).. but i guess they have to be matched up to reality?

reality is i’m barely just surviving for now.. made enough to be able to get through my days. but nothing more. big part of it is because of my inactions. for not doing much. for lazing much. for fearing much (nonsense fears laah)

have quite some time to do some self pondering these few months.. which was good i guess.. having time to think through what i really want.. i guess i still want the same things.. i will still continue to dream, continue hoping! Don’t know if you know what my dream is. Let me just state it here. I’m retiring at age of 30! Not retiring and doing nothing la.. but retiring and do the things i want to do when i want to, and probably will still ‘work’, but in my own terms.. A very big dream eh? Anyone wanna come on board?

whatever i am doing now is for heading towards that direction. but i guess i got too ahead of myself. in the sense that living that way now though not able to yet. i guess i’ve now woken up.. I’m gonna work my ass off in this five years.. and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to retire by 30..  Had recently write in to apply for a position in IBM as a junior financial analyst, much related to what i studied. and it’s the only ad that really caught my attention. Hope can get the interview and the job lah.. But at the side, I will still continue do what i used to do.. Mostly won’t give immediate significant results, but over time it could be something..

that’s as much for now about my career side of things… Now to a more important area that i wanted to blog about actually.. haha.. detoured much.. come to think of it, I’ll write that in another post.. wanna dedicate specially for her!

Love

“Sometimes we learn and gone through so much in life till we forgotten the basic, simple stuff. Life is suppose to be simple. Don’t complicate it. Love and be loved. Never stop loving.”

Found this sitting in my drafts. Wonder why it isn’t published then. too long that I’ve got no memory about it anymore.

Let’s talk a bit about love. So what is love? Guess everyone has their own definition of love. And different individuals have different love languages. How can you find out what another person’s love language is?  Well, it’s simple…. JUST FIND IT OUT! ask some questions.. make some observations.. test some waters.. and you’ll know!

Main key point is to be genuine about your love. Nothing is more important than sincerely wanting to love the other person.

——

Some hurdles I’ve gone through:

1. Sometimes you try to love someone who is so undeserving. It is hard. Very hard. But its not impossible. Just as how God has loved us so unconditionally and beyond all our iniquities (our wrong doings, our lackness, us turning our backs on Him, us failing to recognise Him and all He has done for us), we ought to love unconditionally too!

2. Sometimes you try to love someone. And so happen at that moment you have a favor to ask, people may misunderstand that you love with intentions of getting something back (ie. not sincere). Hrmmm what can I say….. Just get over it! Don’t have to explain yourself too if you choose not to. Cause may not help much explaining. Just be true to yourself and that’s what matters. 🙂

——-

The quote is as simple as it is. So let us start loving! It will be a wonderful world if everyone starts to do so. Can be just a simple hello to a stranger. a smile. a good deed. some words of encouragement. a random simple gift.

Some of you may argue that its not really our culture? it will seem weird? it will seem “suspicious” (must be wanting something from me)? I only can say… JUST DO IT.. Don’t let the negatives in your mind stop you from loving. And it’s my prayer too that you will find and come to know personally this abundant and amazing love of our Lord Jesus Christ! love and be loved!

Power in simplicity

Simplicity is the key. Found out some pretty interestingly simple yet workable strategy today. Mind-blowing it is. So simple. And it’s been there all along. How could i have missed it. So gonna try it out. Still would need more testing though. Let the new journey begins! Lord, guide me through this journey.

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex… It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” – Albert Einstein

Bonds

Recent few weeks, probably since Chinese New Year week till now, have been in touch back on weekly basis with close friends from high school. Doing things together again. House-party, yum cha, meals, drank beer, badminton, leisure trip. And it’s real good times. Really missed those times with them. I wondered what have happened in the past 5-6 years. Have not seen them much, or have gone out much. Maybe only during some special occasions like birthday or yearly meet up. Probably different college and friends to hang out does come into factor. Ah wells, who cares about the time that has past right? More important is now. Now that we are together more again. I wonder when will this stop. Really hope it doesn’t.

It’s really good to see them again. Most have not changed much since high school. Character wise, physical look wise. Some grew wider la, but guess that’s as much. But yeah nevertheless, they have grown in experience and thinking, which is good to see.

Was just like a blink of eye from high school to now. High school days seems like was just yesterday. Today all in working life already. I really wonder where these friendship will head to from now onward. Probably a bond that could last for the lifetime, God-willing.

Stay-tuned yo!

Commitment

I wondered what happened in the past one year. It seemed to have just passed just like that. Felt nothing much has been achieved (career wise, spiritual wise). Probably have been too complacent at where i am at. sometimes i do hate this part of life. but feeling some pressure now. Pressure starting to build up. It’s about time to really do something! Take action Tat! Do something with your life!!

Planning on helping others. Have quite some options in hand at the moment.

Lord, give me wisdom, give me strength to persevere on whatever i do. May your name be glorified. Help me to honor and worship you no matter what happens o Lord.

1.5 months @home reflections

I actually drafted this during Nov ’10. But it was incomplete and so it stayed in my drafts till now that i decided to complete it. =)

Had this privilege to be home to take care of grandma in the past 1.5 months.. She was partial paralyzed from stroke.. this is the second time she has gotten it… Her private doctor did mention of a mortality rate of 70% for people who suffered from stroke the second time.. And i did tremble for some moment after hearing that.. But thank God her condition got stabilized and now in the process of recovery… The recovery process could be of much more pain as it really takes some time for her to ‘re-learn’ how to use back her left limbs.. Can see that she really struggles at time seeing her own left hand couldn’t move.. I really wonder what goes through her mind… Really a pain in the ass seeing her sadness.. On top of all that, the super bitterness of her medication contributes even more to the pains she feel atm..

But having said all of the above, I’ve surely came to realize more of her in this small time period.. I guess I’ve taken for granted her presence all this while… She had taken care of me since i was zero.. A grandma like a mom.. My heart aches thinking about her.. How old she has grown throughout the years.. How I’ve been treating her (really took for granted)… But i guess it’s human nature, to only start realizing and appreciating things when it’s gone or when it’s about to gone.. A well-known lesson but yet we choose to go through the hard way to learn about it! Why does this happen so often? Why are we so blinded by all the things of the world, and miss the very important things that is right before our eyes all the time?

Yeah it is true that we are people growing up, and we have to get our lives going, we have to build our careers and family and etc. Some may already have a family that need to be taken care of.. I don’t mean all these are bad, just trying to say that there are things to be of higher priority, and we do really need to get our priorities right! [that was some of my frustrations in this period.. alot of my aunts and uncles (children of my grandma) are just too busy with their own ‘thing’.. I guess I couldn’t be judging them as I don’t think I’m in a position to, but surely i did a lil at the beginning! their mom being admitted into hospital and all, most of them have to be told to come visit! and i can so tell you that if i had not ‘organize’ and tell them to come, i really wonder if they’ll turn up that many times.. I can’t believe how busy they were.. At one point of time, I got sick of needing to let them know when they ‘need’ to come pay a visit, and I just told them to come at whenever they want to come.. surely enough they came much much lesser, and one kinda did not turn up at all for like 3 weeks.. really no eye see.. i just don’t quite understand their busy-ness… did they really got consumed by their work? Or were they just unable to leave the ‘invisible prison’ they were in…? ] Whatever the cause is, at least I’m now more certain about the things I do… At least I do think it will help to avoid this ‘invisible prison’ that many doesn’t see..

Surely enough i have SO much time with myself and with God in this period.. had a good amount of praying, reading and thinking… One biggest part is on the handling of my emotions.. I have to say that I got more easily frustrated about things, just anything, small thing big thing, in this time period. Didn’t had much appetite as well. Just ate for the sake of filling up the stomach.. Cause when my world seem to be falling apart, I guess all these just come along with it..

All in all, just wanna thank God that he had seen me through all those emotional roller coaster and all those times when I’m down.. Surely enough that the love and grace that He has for me that sustained me and brought me through all of this, and allowed me to grow in Him.. to grow more in love with Him.. Thank You! In this new year, I’m excited to see more of his work to be done in my life.. =)